The Lost Art of Listening

I have experienced several interesting encounters in the past month.  The most recent of these encounters happened today.  I was engaged in a class discussion on a very hot topic at the seminary.  As the lone representative of the male gender in the discussion group, I was asked for my opinion, and I proceeded to give it.  One member of the group, however, made several comments to me that indicated she was not so much listening as looking for ways to argue for her point.  She made various assumptions about what I said that were simply not true, and to be honest, rather offensive.  It was as if what I said was only useful to her if she could use it for her own purposes.

The second encounter I experienced was a few weeks ago, and it took place at a soiree for my wife's coworker.  I met two gentlemen, one of whom was a pastor, and both of whom had attended Denver Seminary.  Ah, I thought, these chaps will engage in good conversation with me.  Huzzah!  Unfortunately, this was not to be the case.  The two gentlemen proceeded to wax theological to each other, pontificating and philosophizing, with each, I believe, attempting to impress the other with his knowledge and rhetorical skill.  In fact, after the first few sentences, I was completely left out of the conversation, even though I would assume that I was their intellectual equal.  After a while I just walked off, and neither one of them seemed to notice my absence.

These encounters got me to thinking--whatever happened to listening?  I mean real, actual listening.  The gentlemen at the soiree never bothered to stop talking for a moment, say, "Jon, as a fellow seminarian, what do you think about x?" and genuinely listen to my response (and one of them was a pastor!).  The woman at class today only listened to me so she could make her point.  If she cared at all about what I thought simply because I thought it, then it didn't come across.  Whether these people intended it or not, they came across very selfish, inconsiderate and rude simply because they didn't listen to me.  I certainly did not feel very valued as a person in these situations.

This is why I try very hard to listen.  And it is hard work to listen.  It is hard work to bite your tongue, to let your own agenda slide and affirm someone else.  But when I keep my mouth shut, my agenda to myself and my ears open, I discover something--other people have good things to say, too!  In fact, I can even learn from them!  I can affirm them as persons of worth and become a better person myself.  

I confess, though, that I am just a little selfish.  I have a maxim that I follow, "Only speak when you have something to say."  So, having politely listened to another person, when I do open my mouth, I expect the same courtesy.  I expect to be listened to, to be valued as a person.  I think this is what frustrates me so much about the opposite behavior.  It can take me some time to think through what I am going to say.  For someone then to disregard my words really irks me.  It lets me know that I am better off saving my words for another occasion.  

In any case, I relate these stories and thoughts to you in the hopes that you will consider your own habits.  Do you listen well?  Can you let go of your own agenda, ask someone a question and just sit back and listen?  I can testify that there are people out there that just may be deeply appreciative of an open ear and a closed mouth, and you may learn a little bit more about the value of people, yourself.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. - Gen 1:27

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. - Jas 1:19, 26