Report: Everything Harmful to Everyone

PRAGUE - An international committee of top scientists released a long-anticipated report on Wednesday regarding the dangers of everything for everyone. According to the report, which is the culmination of years of study, everything on the planet is potentially threatening to any person, given the right set of circumstances.

“We spent years in the lab testing everything we could think of,” said top scientist and report author Dr. Miles Ferguson. “Lab tests confirmed that even an innocuous substance like water, when heated to above 212 degrees, could cause steam that can burn a person’s hand or other body parts.” The report recommends that people strictly limit their interaction with water, and that pregnant women should avoid it altogether. Other items that the five-year study found potentially dangerous were child car seats—a review of data revealed that 3 children had sustained slight injuries due to malfunctioning seat belts in the last 10 years—, banana peels—which test confirmed might cause an injurious fall if discarded on a smooth floor—, and all known flora and fauna—due to the risk for allergies, bites and scratches, and goring and trampling, in the case of mega-fauna. The report states, “We recommend that all persons avoid interaction with all animals, including wild, domesticated and feral, and plants, especially grasses, due to the inherent risk of associating with them, which may lead to harmful side effects or even death in some cases.”

Additionally, the report noted that many of the ins and outs of daily life are, in fact, potentially dangerous. Food-storage containers, for example, were determined to be particularly unsafe. “Plastic containers sometimes contain harmful chemicals,” stated Ferguson, “which might increase your risk for getting stomach cancer, and glass containers can break, resulting in razor-sharp shards.” Exercise, too, was found to be a risk-taking endeavor; one team discovered that many thousands of people had been injured or died during a workout. Furthermore, as many people exercise outdoors, this leads to an increase in the risk of skin cancer. Team lead Dr. Paul Daniels said, “Although we recognize the health benefits of moderate exercise, we feel these are outweighed by the possibility of melanoma, muscle strains, joint sprains and heart failure. It’s best just to avoid it.” But if you think avoiding exercise means more time for television, guess again. The study found that when rats were subjected to viewing television for more than 18 hours a day, their risk for eye cancer elevated by an almost statistically significant amount.

“Driving cars, eating, sleeping, paying bills, yard work, duct tape and even nature itself were all found to be potentially dangerous, and in some cases, fatal,” said Lewis Johnston, co-author of the nearly 5,000-page report. “We recommend that in order to negate all safety and health risks, persons should do nothing and be nowhere 100% of the time. Total abstinence and non-existence is the only way to ensure your safety and health will remain secure.”